This year has been slightly more challenging despite having been once before. Finding a rideshare friend out was not easy, but I eventually found a Berkeley friend who came along and introduced me to her wonderful friend in Santa Fe.
The first night I went to the first BUST workshop and then I "slept" on a yoga mat and blanket on top of a brick floor. It did not help that this was the first time the breakup with Elliot really hit me. I spent till 1am on the phone with my sister and then got up around 5:30am and waited till 7:30am to be able to talk to my mom (California is an hour behind... or New Mexico is an hour in the future...). I seemed to have trouble not crying a lot.
Last night was much better, though. We went to another friend's house to make dinner together, play games, drink, and for those who could play music. I went home just sedated enough that sleeping on a twin size box spring in a sleeping bag with my friend in her sleeping bag next to me was amazing. Cozy, but nice to be near someone and softer than the ground.
During these first couple days, I had doubts about whether being in Santa Fe is right for me until... wait no, I'm still having them on occasion. I know that I would be sad wherever I was, but part of me still wants the comfort of my home and my family at this time. Another part of me just wants to run off on a crazy roadtrip alone and find myself. The other part of me wants to stay here, build friendships, get a job?, work through my shtuff and use that to support my performance of "transformation" - which is this year's theme. I feel very connected to the theme. I feel in the midst of a transformation myself. This is good in the sense that I am very emotionally involved in the work, but it is bad in that I have a very distinct interpretation of transformation in this moment.
Oh yes, and the prop/item chosen to be the symbol of transformation - an umbrella. Interesting I know. But at least that leaves fun possibilities for including some Rhianna.
Tonight, I am staying with a new friend from camp in her huge house that has AC and a hot tub. Score! Perhaps tomorrow will hold the joy of swimming at the pool with Avery and her son. We'll see.
For now, it's time to repeat some affirmations and words of encouragement and love, and to try and sleep.
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