Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Is it Cowardice or Bravery?

It's kind of a strange state of affairs when I can't tell the difference.  Although, surprisingly, it's not all that uncommon.  Doubt follows me around a lot in this life.

I'm about to have my third interview for a midwifery apprenticeship, this one with Nova.  For the months that I was taking Heart and Hands and after, I felt really sure of my course, like I'd finally found it.  I felt really sure about midwifery.

That all seems to have changed, though.  I find myself, again, unsure of what I am doing with my life and where I want to steer myself.  Around the middle of October I felt I had some breakthroughs in circus performance/skill.  And they made me feel really really good.  I've also just been noticing how great I feel after teaching circus skills classes.  I love it.  I really do.  I love how my body looks and feels and works, all of the things it can do that I thought weren't possible (ie touching my feet to the back of my head, getting my splits down to the ground, backbend walkovers, break beats and so much more).  I feel really fulfilled.  What I don't feel is financially secure.  I also worry about sustainability of something that is so hard on my body and requires so much effort to even get work.

I feel like I can no longer tell if midwifery is the path of bravery and opening to my true calling, or if it's a cop out because I feel like I won't be able to make ends meet as a circus person, or I'll get hurt and have to find a new career anyway.  Am I just afraid that circus can't be my real job?  That my family will think I'm just goofing off?  That I'll never get popular enough to make it financially feasible?

Or am I just making excuses about starting a career in midwifery?  About sacrificing the known for the unknown?  About holding that much power as a healer?

Guidance, I'm seeking you.