I know what is easy. I know what has worked fairly well. I know where I can fit. I know what has become a bit boring. I know what I'd be missing. I know what is exciting. I know what is scary. I know what I don't know how to do. I know where I don't know what to expect.
Just when I thought I finally had it figured out and I'd gotten over my sick obsession with analyzing every decision to the nth degree, I am lost and confused again.
Why do I feel like one choice leads to the end of my childhood? Perhaps it's time for that anyway, but it's so addictive to come home to hippies and half-naked dance parties. To be in a community that is so energetic and vibrant and diverse. It's tiring too though.
I suppose, as a friend said, I want to have my cake and eat it too. But, isn't that what you're supposed to do with cake? What a silly saying, as if people would get cake just to have it around. And that brings another excellent question, what if you opt for just eating the cake? Is that even possible if you don't have the cake to begin with? Or is it that someone else could have the cake and give you a piece, so it's not your cake, but you get to eat it? But if it is your cake, you get to guard it and disperse it, but not eat it?
How long have I been eating cake for? It might be time to change my diet. I suppose my obsession over cake is unhealthy. If I just ate a good meal and had cake every now and then without worrying so much about not getting to have cake most of the time or thinking that I have to give cake up all together then I'd probably be much healthier physically and emotionally.
Om nom nom cake. But after a while it gets to be too much sweetness. Like when we took those magic berry pills at Kingman and EVERYTHING tasted sweet for 2 hours, I nearly vomited. I couldn't stand sweetness for a while and I still can't drink Guinness without gagging.
Sigh. I wish there was some way to get my food from the farmer's market, but still live around the corner or something from the cake shop. But it appears that if I go to the farmer's market (well, actually it would probably be more like Trader Joe's because it's not quite as hippie, free-love as the farmer's market) that the cake shop would be a 6 hour drive away. And, the cake shop just got some new goodies, like an awesome acro partner imported from NM. Although, Trader Joe's (cuz it's not actually the farmer's market) just got a great new shipment of lovely friend from Santa Fe.
"Oh fudge!" to quote a 10-year-old-changing-a-flat-tire friend of mine and to make this post sweeter.
Goodness, I am corny. Which could be kind of like cake if it was in corn bread. Yes, I am corn-bready. And obviously brain-fried from the over thinking I've been doing. Mmmm... fried cornbread.
Thanks for letting me be crazy all over your eyes. Hopefully I'll figure out this whole cake fiasco soon.