Monday Monsters and Tuesday Teachings

Monday morning I got up as usual, made breakfast, got ready and started my day. I got on my bike and decided to try and pump up the back tire a bit, but with my crappy pump it only made the tire flatter. Disgruntled, I put my bike in the garage and went out and started my car. I headed out for groceries and to meet friends by the plaza... But there was one key thing I forgot: to put the dogs out.

I had been out for over an hour when I suddenly realized, the dogs were still inside. I rushed back to my car hoping I would get back before any damage had been done. When I pulled up, my host was already back. I walked in to see her on the stairs with a vacuum and I knew immediately the monsters had made a mess. They had gotten into my room, torn up and mostly eaten a bag of peanuts, and somehow broke open a bottle of gatorade in the living room.

She was very sweet and just asked me to remember to put them out next time. Oh, I will.

That night I finally decided on the music for my aerial fabric routine (Blinding by Florence and the Machine) and got some good feedback on where the choreography was going. After training, I headed over to Leslie and Bob's place for dinner and games. It was delicious as always. They really can cook something awesome with whatever is around the house. We ate and drank and made merry until almost everyone got sleepy and then James and I made merry some more with another beer and a game of Cribbage. I won, hard.

The next day, I started working for La Boca, entering data and running errands. I thought I would need to start this fairly early, so I hadn't intended to go to Open Studio; however, I realized that Open Studio was fairly early too, so I went and really solidified some good stuff for my routine. The job at La Boca was easy and took way less time than anticipated, but I made $20 for my two hours, so I was content.

A few days before, I had gone looking into Vipassana in Santa Fe and found that Tuesday nights there were 45 min meditations followed by a lecture, so I decided to take this evening and find out what it was all about. Despite leaving early, I was still a few minutes late due to google maps being stupid and me doubting myself. But, I got there and crept in quietly for the majority of the meditation. The lecture was good it was all about antidotes to the detrimental mind-states: desire, aversion, sloth/torpor, and doubt (there was another one, but I can't remember it right now!). Doubt was the last one and for the others, I kept thinking, "oh yeah, this is good, I will use this a lot because I get in this mind-state sometimes." When he talked about doubt, my mental jaw dropped, "Oh $#!^, doubt is how I live my life." And, the antidote to doubt? Investigating and discovering for oneself what is truly wholesome and unwholesome, and skillful and unskillful. Well, that's a pretty tall order for someone who is ALREADY DOUBTING! I wanted to ask him how we are supposed to know what is wholesome and unwholesome when we are already doubting so much, but I had a brief moment of clarity where I felt it would be okay and I would be able to clear my mind and trust myself and just do it. As the lecture ended though, I doubted that ability again. Sigh. I guess I get to meditate on this and on letting my true self show itself and being receptive to what it shows.

I was reminded of something that a very close friend/love of mine said to me, "Don't ever doubt yourself." I'm certainly not to the "ever" part yet, but I'm getting better every day.