From January 25th 2012

This was in my drafts.  I guess if you're interested in what I was dealing with/thinking about 6 months ago it might be interesting.  And just so you know, I've been stretching since then and I'm much more flexible and very happy about that.  Read on if interested...



I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the abundance of emotion I've been feeling. It's overwhelming and mostly in a good way, but still it's hard to handle. I've gone from having the greatest day in months to the worst in almost as many... in the same day, for no obvious reason.

It's so wonderful to fall for someone sometimes. Like just letting go and melting in, collapsing and giving up all resistance. Like a good, deep, long stretch that you just surrender too. However, I've never been to good at emotional moderation. I think I may forget to warm up sometimes and I'm certainly not limber enough yet to just drop into my splits. I've been letting go and diving in, but I've been going too deep into these stretches - and they are stretches. I keep finding myself having a hard time breathing, tensing, doubting I can maintain such a stretch, and backing off.

It's so hard! Letting go and trusting my body (and heart) to handle the situation, the stretching, the growing is so hard. Often, when the potential of a new relationship presents itself, it is easy to follow this same pattern of over-stretching and recoiling, but usually the potential partner is there to reassure that the depth of stretching is mutual and sustainable and desirable. But what if they're not? I find myself continually petrified, frozen inside, terrified to move or breathe. So scared that I can't handle it or shouldn't go so far.

Perhaps this is better though. Perhaps it is keeping me from flinging myself into something with reckless abandon, which is probably a very good thing given the circumstances...

But, I feel so frustrated! So unable to relax, constantly changing my mind, full of half-completed swoons and expressions of love. About to burst from built up almosts. I need someone to tell me it's ok. To tell me it will be ok. To tell me I can throw myself into this if I so choose. Or to tell me that this frustration is normal and mutual.

I have so many needs right now. And that's what it boils down to. Needs that I don't feel it's fair to need someone for, especially not the person I really feel like I need for them. And that's the point of retraction. The point of sucking back in, of fearing. It's not fair for me to need this of you. You shouldn't have to deal with this. It should not be your burden to shoulder; you did not ask for this. In fact, you specifically noted that this was a possibility you did not want... or at least you acknowledged there are needs you can't meet from your current position. And that's not your fault. You don't deserve to have to deal with the needs or the guilt of not being able to deal with them. And thus I shouldn't have these needs (or so the logic goes).