Is it Cowardice or Bravery?

It's kind of a strange state of affairs when I can't tell the difference.  Although, surprisingly, it's not all that uncommon.  Doubt follows me around a lot in this life.

I'm about to have my third interview for a midwifery apprenticeship, this one with Nova.  For the months that I was taking Heart and Hands and after, I felt really sure of my course, like I'd finally found it.  I felt really sure about midwifery.

That all seems to have changed, though.  I find myself, again, unsure of what I am doing with my life and where I want to steer myself.  Around the middle of October I felt I had some breakthroughs in circus performance/skill.  And they made me feel really really good.  I've also just been noticing how great I feel after teaching circus skills classes.  I love it.  I really do.  I love how my body looks and feels and works, all of the things it can do that I thought weren't possible (ie touching my feet to the back of my head, getting my splits down to the ground, backbend walkovers, break beats and so much more).  I feel really fulfilled.  What I don't feel is financially secure.  I also worry about sustainability of something that is so hard on my body and requires so much effort to even get work.

I feel like I can no longer tell if midwifery is the path of bravery and opening to my true calling, or if it's a cop out because I feel like I won't be able to make ends meet as a circus person, or I'll get hurt and have to find a new career anyway.  Am I just afraid that circus can't be my real job?  That my family will think I'm just goofing off?  That I'll never get popular enough to make it financially feasible?

Or am I just making excuses about starting a career in midwifery?  About sacrificing the known for the unknown?  About holding that much power as a healer?

Guidance, I'm seeking you.

Aerial Workshops at Athletic Playground

Exciting news for all interested in learning aerial skills!  I'm teaching two workshops at Athletic Playground in Emeryville, CA starting in November!

The first is a class for students with minimal aerial background.  Students should be able to climb and be working on inverting.  This class runs Monday nights from 6:45pm to 8:15pm.

The second is a class for students with more aerial experience.  Students should know several climbs, be able to invert easily, and have a grasp on the basic wraps (hip key, catchers, foot locks).  This class runs Monday nights from 8:30pm to 10pm.

For more information and to enroll check out this website.

I hope to see you there!!

A Loving Request

Dear Loved Ones,

I am about to embark on an exciting journey!  I’ve decided I’m ready to make a change and leave my (stressful-lacking-weekends/in-the-midst-of-negotiations) job with the BSC, an organization I deeply love, in late April.  I’m currently looking for apartments with my partner, Collin, since I live where I work and will need to move out when I quit, so it’s a time of big changes and potential!

As some of you may know, I recently had an interview with UCSF School of Nursing (further than I’d gotten the last two times!), but found out a few weeks ago that I was not accepted for graduate study.  I’m keeping busy and interested in women’s health and caring for others by volunteering with two organizations: the San Francisco General Hospital Doula Program, which offers free doulas to any mommas delivering at SFGH, and the Birth Justice Project, which offers free doulas to incarcerated women in labor as well as women’s health education within San Francisco County Jail.   I’ve also applied to the SFSU Clinical Psychology Master’s Program that would start in September, so we’ll see what happens with that.

For now, I’m hoping to continue pursuing my acrobatic passion as much as I can.  I have just finally been given the opportunity to teach a couple of aerial workshops at the Athletic Playground, where I have been training for three years.  Up until this point, I had only ever been able to substitute teach and assist some classes, so I’m very excited.

As part of fostering my acrobatic passion, I’ve registered for an aerial retreat in the Dominican Republic that takes place in early May.  This is, I’m told, a great place to build skills, learn about oneself, and network.  I’m so excited to be training with some fantastic aerialists!  For more information about the retreats, see this website: http://www.sweetretreatsdr.com/our-next-retreat/.  I’ve spoken with the retreat coordinator and she tells me the location that they’ve been using for the last 5 years is very safe.  There is also a good hospital nearby just in case!  (They’ve only had to use it once when someone got sick, so they have safe training practices too)

I’ve paid the deposit and applied for and been awarded one of the worktrade scholarships.  Unfortunately, the worktrade scholarship does not cover very much of the tuition.  All together, the retreat tuition and airfare is going to cost me $2,200 after the worktrade scholarship.  This cost, thankfully, includes food and lodging. 

I hope you will join me in my excitement about this next phase of my life!  If you are moved to make a donation toward this trip, it would be greatly appreciated.  Anything and everything helps and there is no amount too small.   This can go toward future birthday or Christmas gifts, or it can be part of a congratulation (or consolation  :/) about grad school.  If you have ever had trouble thinking of something to get me, this is an awesome idea!

And your contribution will get rewarded!  (Of course with my eternal gratitude and undying love, but there’s more!)

Donations between $5 and $25 will be mentioned on my blog and will receive a personalized thank you!

Donations between $26 and $100 will be mentioned on my blog and will receive a signed photo of me in the air along with their thank you note!

Donations between $101 and $500 will be mentioned on my blog, receive a signed photo with their thank you, and entitle you to a free aerial fabric lesson!

Donations above $500 will receive everything listed above plus a free performance* (Got a friend with a wedding coming up?  Like to throw spectacular parties?  Want to entertain some big shots at work?  I’m here for you!)

*2 month advance notice requested for all performance requests.  No guarantees for performance dates with less than 2 months notice (but I’ll do my best!)

Link to donate: https://www.paypal.com/sendmoney?email=cait.kil@gmail.com

Thank you all so much for your support and love over the years.  I am truly blessed with family and friends and so very glad I can count you as one of them.

Love,

Caitlyn