Having Your Cake

I suppose there is at least one point, and more likely several points, in a person's life when it is time to make a change. Like a big change. A change that involves leaving people they love and parts of who they are behind. A change that means some roads might be closed for good. When I say "they", I am speaking, of course, of myself.

I know what is easy. I know what has worked fairly well. I know where I can fit. I know what has become a bit boring. I know what I'd be missing. I know what is exciting. I know what is scary. I know what I don't know how to do. I know where I don't know what to expect.

Just when I thought I finally had it figured out and I'd gotten over my sick obsession with analyzing every decision to the nth degree, I am lost and confused again.

Why do I feel like one choice leads to the end of my childhood? Perhaps it's time for that anyway, but it's so addictive to come home to hippies and half-naked dance parties. To be in a community that is so energetic and vibrant and diverse. It's tiring too though.

I suppose, as a friend said, I want to have my cake and eat it too. But, isn't that what you're supposed to do with cake? What a silly saying, as if people would get cake just to have it around. And that brings another excellent question, what if you opt for just eating the cake? Is that even possible if you don't have the cake to begin with? Or is it that someone else could have the cake and give you a piece, so it's not your cake, but you get to eat it? But if it is your cake, you get to guard it and disperse it, but not eat it?

How long have I been eating cake for? It might be time to change my diet. I suppose my obsession over cake is unhealthy. If I just ate a good meal and had cake every now and then without worrying so much about not getting to have cake most of the time or thinking that I have to give cake up all together then I'd probably be much healthier physically and emotionally.

Om nom nom cake. But after a while it gets to be too much sweetness. Like when we took those magic berry pills at Kingman and EVERYTHING tasted sweet for 2 hours, I nearly vomited. I couldn't stand sweetness for a while and I still can't drink Guinness without gagging.

Sigh. I wish there was some way to get my food from the farmer's market, but still live around the corner or something from the cake shop. But it appears that if I go to the farmer's market (well, actually it would probably be more like Trader Joe's because it's not quite as hippie, free-love as the farmer's market) that the cake shop would be a 6 hour drive away. And, the cake shop just got some new goodies, like an awesome acro partner imported from NM. Although, Trader Joe's (cuz it's not actually the farmer's market) just got a great new shipment of lovely friend from Santa Fe.

"Oh fudge!" to quote a 10-year-old-changing-a-flat-tire friend of mine and to make this post sweeter.

Goodness, I am corny. Which could be kind of like cake if it was in corn bread. Yes, I am corn-bready. And obviously brain-fried from the over thinking I've been doing. Mmmm... fried cornbread.

Thanks for letting me be crazy all over your eyes. Hopefully I'll figure out this whole cake fiasco soon.

Performances and a Blessing

Thursday was our tech-through at Moving People. We didn't perform our acts at all, but worked on the cues for lighting and music. It took much longer than intended... that and we started an hour late as we are apt to do. We finally got done around 10:30pm. Avery came home with us and we went in the hot tub for a little bit before bed.

It was kind of hard for me to sleep, but we got up at 9:15am anyway to have time to run some errands and eat breakfast before our first full dress rehearsal with tech that morning. The dress rehearsal went well and during it I still wasn't really nervous yet. Afterward, I met my mom and Ben at Randi's house and we went out for some lunch before the first show that evening. I was back at Moving people at 5pm and had a couple hours to get ready for the show.

Randi and I had the very first act of the show and so were very nervous. We were warming up from 6:15 to 6:45 with the whole group and I was about to lose it. I still had to finish make up, put on my mustache, go to the bathroom, and calm down before the show started. I was able to do all those things, but thinking about making time for all of them was a great amount of stress on top of being nervous.

The show went very well. It was our best acro act of the run, and my fabric act went pretty well too. We rushed around the entire time changing and getting ready for the next act and soon it was over and we couldn't believe it. Afterward, my mom took me out to meet Ben and my friend Tim for some late dinner and a drink. My mom headed out to Albuquerque soon after to get my sister at the airport. They stayed in ABQ, so I stayed with Randi again. That night I could hardly sleep at all. I couldn't stop thinking about the show, at least I could stay in bed a little longer because the show started later than rehearsal had.

I went with RJ and Ben to breakfast and got to Moving People a little early. I was not nervous for the afternoon show Saturday. I was hot and tired. Unfortunately it showed. Acro wasn't so great and I felt bad because it was the show that a bunch of Randi's friends had come to see and I couldn't get her into Cathedral for the first time in two weeks. Sigh. It turned out alright though and afterward I grabbed some foods with my mom and sis at Chocolate Maven, which apparently does High Tea because that's what we got. It was tasty and not too filling.

Saturday night's show was the bomb dot com. Acro was great. The performance aspect was great. My fabric act was phenomenal (I think) and the whole show went really well. I had been really nervous before the show because my sis was there and I didn't want her to be disappointed after coming all that way. She was not. She said I was amazing and that she is very proud of me. :')

That night we headed out and met a bunch of people at the Cowgirl for food and drinks. I finally had a decent margarita in Santa Fe and some tasty tacos. I ended up staying with Randi again because my mom and sis went home a little early to go to bed. The next day we met with Ben and his dad and my fam and Randi and RJ for breakfast. It was good, but sad to be leaving.

The car had been having issues, so we decided that if it started right up, we'd leave, if it didn't my mom and sis would get a rental and I'd stay and have the car fixed and drive it back later. It started right up, so we picked up my stuff, said goodbye to Randi and RJ and Leslie and Bob and hit the road. We got all the way to Holbrook, AZ on our first tank of gas, but when we stopped to get gas, the car wouldn't start again. It started raining and we had no idea what to do. Holbrook is small and we would have had to get towed 77miles southwest (about 45miles out of the way) to another small town where there was a AAA approved mechanic. We would have had to wait there 2 days until after the 4th of July to even get the car fixed. Thankfully, miraculously, while looking under the hood, a man walked up and offered to help. Turns out he is a mechanic. He found the problem and fixed it enough to get us back to LA and wouldn't take any payment. It truly was meant to be though because we'd decided to continue on to Holbrook without AC instead of stopping in Gallup because it was overcast and starting to get rainy, so not too how. We stopped at this small gas station in Holbrook because mom thought it looked family run and could use the money. The man had only come out to see the rain because it was the first rain in 6 months. His wife happened to want a candy bar while they were out, so they went to that little gas station that was owned by his cousin. Crazy. We can never thank those people enough, but we will never forget how their kindness got us out of a real jam.

Cuddles and Goodbye

Randi and I went to fabric class with RJ, but we ended up just warming up, stretching and watching. I really needed a day off and I had already been up on stilts for an hour and half earlier that day. It was nice to watch and see what classes at Wise Fool are like. They seem much more laid back and fun and intimate. They are an hour and half long, so there's plenty of time to warm up well and have a great class.

After class, Randi went out to meet her friend and RJ and I made dinner: chicken sausages with onions and swiss cheese on bread. Pretty tasty. We decided to watch a movie and both agreed on this one with James Franco called Shadows and Lies. It was slow. Very slow. We were patient, but when Randi got home she said, "Why are you watching this?" At that point we decided to switch to Chasing Amy, which I hadn't seen in a long time and quite enjoyed. We all went to bed pretty early, which was good thing because we were all tired.

Tuesday morning I got up a little early so that I could get to the La Boca office and do some work. 4 hours and 45 minutes of data entry work to be exact. It wasn't too bad and I got free lunch, so I can't complain too much. By the time I was done though it was time to head to Wise Fool for the last sessions of aerial and acro before our dress rehearsals start. I ran through my fabric act once, my trapeze act twice, and my acro act twice. I was ready to be done when it was over at 9pm.

It was already late, so I didn't stop for dinner, but just headed straight over to Leslie and Bob's to say goodbye to James who was leaving in the morning. I brought some wine, which we promptly finished in a game of King's Cup (a nar nar nar game of King's Cup in which we drank wine.) Leslie and Bob got pretty tired after that and James and I stayed up to watch Family Guy. After a few episodes we were also tired and James got ready for bed. I decided to just stay the night. James and I snuggled on a twin-size box spring, which was unavoidably uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure I just rolled around until it started to get light out, then I was finally able to sleep. Leslie and Bob made a great breakfast with fried rice and tortillas and I took James to the shuttle to get to the airport. By the time he comes back to Santa Fe I'll be long gone, so I didn't have any issue giving him a ride and hanging out a little bit longer.

After that awful night of sleep I've been trying to take it easy. I did meet up with the guy who sells awesome honey and bought some for me and as gifts. Then I got some dye and tried to fix up my trapeze costume a bit. It's the smallest one and the only one that's blue instead of green. I added some fabric and green dye and it looks pretty good. I'm going to add blue dye to the other three unitards soon so that, hopefully, we'll all match.

Tonight there is an all cast rehearsal till 9pm and then I told Avery I'd go to ABQ with her and babysit Io. I'm kind of hoping she can find someone else though because I'm pretty tired and would like to just relax at "home". I'll find out soon I suppose.

Pride of Various Sorts

Open studio on Friday was good. I ran through my routine one and half times deciding I'd rather rest because I knew I'd be running through it the next day at our all cast rehearsal. The rest of the day I just kind of hung out and tried to be available if Ilana needed me at work, which she didn't.

That night at acro, we really tightened up our act. We got to perform it in front of the other acro groups and get some feedback. I, unfortunately, have issues with one of the acro groups and was not very open to their feedback, nor did I feel comfortable giving them feedback. Alas, we'll hopefully work it out before the end of the show.

After training, Randi and I went to pick some chinese food, which we scarfed and then we got ready to go out to the Rouge Cat (because it was the night before Pride). Randi and I got all purdied up and looked fabulous. I bought our first drinks and then RJ bought my second one. We danced outside and downstairs. We noticed their new stripper pole and tried out our fabric skills on it. We talked to a bunch of Randi's friends and danced with some of them too. Just after midnight, I finally got up some courage and decided to dance with a beautiful woman on the dance floor. I was cautious at first and didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but when I put my arm around her waist and asked if it was ok, she said of course and pulled me closer. We danced to a few songs, but her friends were leaving and she had to go. Soon after that we were ready to go as well. We headed back and decided the hot tub would be a nice way to end the evening. It was nice, but a little dehydrating...

The next day I got up with just barely enough time to bike to the Pride Parade, take a few pictures and get to Wise Fool for rehearsal. In the 15 minutes I was actually at Pride though, I got a picture of Randi's friend who had just been crowned Miss Gay Pride Santa Fe. He was lovely.

Rehearsal was pretty good. We started with the finale because we still hadn't choreographed it. That process was a little rough and tedious. One of the acro people that I have issues with kept suggesting things for the whole group to do directly to the director instead of asking the group if we were into it. I was a little annoyed, but we powered through it and we ended up doing a little acro bit that called for two 2-highs (one person standing on another's shoulders), so I told Randi I wanted to try it. We got it on our first try and did it a few times and it felt good, so now we're doing a 2-high in the show! Hooray! I also found out that my sister might be coming to the show during rehearsal, so I got very excited. We didn't make it all the way through the show because we used the first half of the time working on the finale, but we got through all my acts and I felt good about them. After rehearsal, I met up with Nancy who was going to be doing the Lamy Train Station Gig with me the next day. We picked out some costumes and puppets and agreed to carpool out together.

After that, I had to rush home to shower and change so that we could go to Peñasco to volunteer - and thereby see a show for free. It was fun and not too hard. The show was interesting. I got to see a new, cool, creative aerial apparatus (a long pipe held in the middle by a sling), which was awesome, but it was one of those shows with a lot of tension and discomfort in it, so I'm kind of glad I didn't have to pay to see it. We stayed after to help clean up a bit and ended up taking Laura (a member of Ricochet - my favorite circus duo!) home. It was nice to chat with her for the drive back. When we got back to the house, we pretty much all passed out.

I got up fairly early this morning to get ready for the Lamy Train Station Gig. I did an awesome job with my make-up (Sarah would be proud), but probably could have done more since it was a circus gig and all. Nancy picked me up and we got there with plenty of time to get ready. I got up on stilts - I forgot to have a picture taken though :( - Nancy got in a puppet, and Jasmine did poi in an awesome costume. We had fun talking to the kids and walking around, but I felt a little inadequate next the Clan Tynker, an actual circus family with awesome old-time circus costumes. In any case, it went well and I got paid, so I'm stoked.

Tonight may hold a fabric class with Amy C at Wise Fool, but I also might take the night off to recuperate. Monday is training, and then starts the week of run-throughs and then the show this weekend! AH!!! It's almost here already!!

Naked in Nature + a New Act!

Physical Theater class was indeed a little tedious. I'm all for learning about expression and performance, for exploring how to create a character or portray an emotion, for allowing myself to give and receive with an audience, but if I had to play "Friend or Foe" one more time or lift one more imaginary rock I would scream. We started the day off with warming up and then were asked, "How about a game of Friend of Foe?" To which I responded, "What is really the point of this game?" in all sincerity, wanting to understand it's purpose and what I could be getting from it. The teacher looked at me in slightly shocked disappointment and another woman in the class said, "What's the point of life, Caitlyn?" I suppose life might just be one giant game of Friend or Foe...

In class we worked on tension. I followed a woman's foot around, keeping it within 6 inches of my nose - apparently to show tension. I didn't get it. She didn't get it either while following my elbow.

At any rate, after class I skipped outta there instead of staying for open studio because I had a movie night to get to. It was pretty great. Tim showed "Little Shop of Horrors" and Rob AND Kerry (who now actually lives in Colorado, but was here for the week) showed up. Tim sang all the songs. I was impressed. Afterward, people left pretty quickly, but I stuck around with Tim for another episode of MacGyver - the only other episode of it I had seen was the week before after movie night. Tim and I hung out and talked for a bit, but I eventually had to go so that I could get to sleep and get up to drive to Taos to meet with the administrator of the National College of Midwifery.

I got up fairly early Thursday to pick up Leslie, Bob, and James to take them to Taos with me. The drive was good; Leslie and Bob played ukelele and sang most of the way. I dropped them off downtown near the plaza and went to have my lunch meeting. Lisa, the administrator was very nice. She brought me some information and sympathized with my decision between nursing or non-nursing. She also told me that I can do their program anywhere, so I could find a midwife to apprentice with in the Bay Area and get accredited through their school, which is good to know.

After lunch, I picked everybody up at the plaza and we headed back down 68 toward the Rio Grande. We stopped off at a good place to get to the bank of the river and enjoyed some shade and swimming... well, sort of swimming because the Rio Grande is fast. We walked out as far as we could without being dragged away and dunked, then we held onto rocks and let ourselves float in the current. We found a secluded little spot with a fairly small path down to the water and freed ourselves from our swimsuit/clothing restraints. It was so magical/beautiful/exhilarating/natural to float and splash around nude in the river. I'm so glad that I have friends that are into nudity in nature too! Soon after we had to get back in the car so that I could get back to training at Wise Fool.

When I got to training, Colleen notified me that one woman had indeed dropped out of the show and that the triple-trapeze act did indeed need someone to step in and that she was grateful that I'd offered and she would love to have me! I am sad that that woman dropped out, but I'm really excited to get to do a trapeze act! I've never done one before because I tend to focus on fabric, but I love trapeze too! They had the act all choreographed, so I just had to learn the part. We ran through it twice and it already looks good. I was worried that I wouldn't mesh with them or I wouldn't have the skills, but I totally do and it's great! This just means that I have to work on my fabric act on my own time from now on because fabric and trapeze train at the same time. I think it will be fine though because I feel pretty good about my fabric act already.

After training, Randi made dinner for us (RJ - her boyfriend, Chantal, Mai, Danika, and me). It was tasty and we got very full, but we stuck it out and worked on some acro anyway - mostly just blocking and a couple moves that needed work). After that, I made cookies. They weren't as good as the first batch, but they were still sugary tasty treats. Once everyone was full of cookies they headed home and Randi, RJ and I hopped in the hot tub for some relaxation before bed. We tried to go to bed early so we could get up and meet Danika for breakfast, but I think we all got less sleep than intended. In any case, breakfast with Danika was great and I just need to digest a little before going to open studio to work on fabric.

Stilts, Drinks, Surgery and Albuquerque

Stilt walking on Sunday at the Father's Day Fiesta went pretty well. We didn't have the best costumes, but we had fun pants. It was SO windy. I was scared we were going to get blown down. It actually wasn't too bad up there though. Until I brought out my parasol to protect me from the sun, I didn't have too much more resistance to the wind than usual, so it just blew by me, as usual. The parasol made things a little more complicated and I had to make sure it was facing the right way when a big gust of wind came or it would break me, the parasol, or both.

When I got down from the stilts and packed up I still had some time left for parking, so I got some ice cream and watched the break dancers on stage. The firefighters that we had been walking by all day were nearby and started chatting saying they would have caught us if we fell. They might come to the show now.

That night I headed over to Leslie and Bob's with a chicken breast and an artichoke. I got there just in time to find them snacking on some delicious baked potato chunks and playing cards. We all had a drink and started some new games. The night went on pretty long before dinner started happening. I was already three drinks in when we started making dinner. Unfortunately, by that time, James and I had run to the store so he could get some Tequila... no bueno. They insisted we all take the first shot together. Blegh. After that I pretty much reclined on the couch with my eyes closed and listened to what everyone else was saying. By the time dinner was ready, I was feeling well enough to eat a taco, slowly. I hung around for a couple more hours and felt well enough to head home. I slept in late the next day.

Monday, Lisa, a friend I met last year at BUST, had to go in for surgery on her nose. She broke it whilst spotting some current BUSTers in an unexpected acro move and got kicked in the face. Randi was going to drop her off and I had offered to pick her up, but when Randi got there she realized there had to be someone there the whole time while she was in surgery, so I headed over around 11:30am. Around 12:45p they finally took her back and the wonderful nurse, Neva, started taking down her information. There was a lot of waiting even at this stag for all the key people to be in the right place together (surgeon, anesthesiologist, scrub nurse, etc). Finally around 2pm the surgery was done and around 3pm they let Lisa leave. On the way home we had to hit the pharmacy (where I bought a new $7 stethoscope!) and the grocery store so that Lisa had her meds and mild food.

We hung out for a little at home and then I had to leave for training. Randi was very grateful and gracious and took me (and RJ and Lisa) out for dinner at a delicious Indian place afterward. We all stayed up and chatted for a bit afterwards and then headed towards bed.

Tuesday, I still had the stilts from the Father's Day Fiesta and I took Leslie, Bob and James to the park to try them out. Bob brought his slack line and yuke and I brought my cameras. It was a lovely day. Leslie took to the stilts amazingly well. She stayed on them for almost 2 hours straight. I got a lot better at slack lining and we took lots of pictures. I had to leave after a couple hours to get ready to go to Albuquerque to babysit Avery's son, so we didn't stay too long.

I headed out of Santa Fe just around 4pm and got a call from Avery just around 4:30pm when I was directly halfway that she didn't need me until 9:30pm. Well, that threw a kink in my day. I decided just to drive to ABQ and hang out since I had to be there anyway and I didn't want to add an extra 60 miles to my trip. I hung out around old town ABQ, which was pretty nice actually, and then went to the newer part of town when UNM is. I tried to watch the sunset for Solstice, but couldn't find a good place. I even tried going out in this random field and ended up with about 50 goat-heads (prickly plant pieces - very prickly) in my sandals. I'm so glad my sandals were still thick enough that they didn't go all the way through! The night got better and I got back to Santa Fe around 2am and slept in again.

In a couple hours I'll be headed out to help Ilana and make a little money, and then it's off to the circus... or at least circus school for "Physical Theater", which was really great the first time, but has gotten very old and a somewhat tedious.

Up Early, Up High

In Acrobatics class Friday night, Randi and I worked out a lot our routine. It's not the most amazing moves ever, but it is a lot of cool stuff, and it tells a story. Not terribly well at this point, but it's getting better every time we run through it. That night, I sat in the hot tub under the moon and realized that anything can be beautiful in moonlight.

The next day, Randi and I had to be up early so that the house could show. I hopped on my bike planning to go to the tasty French Cafe we'd gone to the morning before. I got there just in time to find Randi (who had driven) at the front of the line. She asked me if I wanted anything and graciously bought it for me. She then rushed off to work I went to hang out at the Plaza with Bob and Leslie. I couldn't stay long though because the All Cast Rehearsal started at noon.

The rehearsal went quite well actually, the show is looking good. We had a little snag/dis agreement about the ending number, but it mostly looks like one person really has the issue with it.

Afterward, I met up with Leslie, Bob and James and headed over to Sam and Dan's. We drank watermelon smoothie/juice, ate snacks, walked down to the arroyo where I took tons of pictures and slack lined (which I cooly avoided). We finally headed back to Bob and Leslie's to make dinner, which took a little longer because Sam and Dan didn't show up with the lentils until almost everything else was done. It was still delicious and nutritious.

Eventually, Bob, Leslie and I headed back over to Randi's and hung out in the hot tub under the stars for a bit, had a few drinks and hit the hay.

Today, I'll be heading over to the Railyard to get up high and stiltwalk around for a couple hours to entertain the kiddies for Father's Day. Hopefully they enjoy it.

Swim, Climb, Eat

Yesterday I went to a pool in Santa Fe for the first time. I was excited to be able to cool off and to liberate myself from the usual gravitational/non-buoyant state. The pool at Bicentennial was, however, not ideal. It was a pool, though only 5' deep at its deepest. It was nice to swim around. Soon after I got there, Avery arrived with her son and played in the warmer-than-the-adult-pool tot pool, which was a little concerning. It was indeed quite a cool off, almost too much. But, we couldn't stay long because we had training to get to at 5:30pm.

It was an aerial silk day for me and all of the fabric folk were supposed to show their routine or as much of it as they had. I felt really good about mine and got some very positive feedback, though I do still need to work on my interaction with the audience and "transformation", which is hard because when I climb I like to be internal and focused on what I'm doing, not on the crowd. But, it will be a good thing for me to work on and get better at.

Afterward, Randi and her boyfriend took me out to a nice salad place for dinner and then we attempted to work out some of our acro routine, but didn't do too much on account of our full stomachs and that I was going to meet a friend, Rob, for a drink at 10pm.

I met Rob and his friend Morgan at one of the only bars I've been to in Santa Fe, and the one that I've always met Rob (and Tim and Monica and Kerry) at before. We chatted for about an hour and then all took off to get home so we could get up early. This morning the house was showing at 9am, which realistically isn't too early, but I hadn't even been awake at 9am for several days, so it was a stretch. Randi, her boyfriend and I got up, did a quick clean and went out for some fabulous breakfast at this great little French bakery and cafe. Amazing. I will definitely have to go back for more croissants.

Now, I'm about to head out to Wise Fool for some open training and then head over to La Boca for a few hours of work before I have to be back at Wise Fool for acrobatics. Life is good.

Movie Night and a Gig!

Movie nights are back! I (mostly) remembered the way to Tim's house and met a bunch of his new friends - all the ones we shared movie nights with before were unable to attend... mostly because two of the three of them live out of state now.

We watched Dead Poets Society and somehow made it funny throughout. Beer helps. We watched the pilot episode of MacGyver afterward, which was cool because despite having suffered through the entirety of the MacGruber movie I had never seen its inspiration.

It was great to see Tim again after so long and he offered me a place to stay if I need it. At this point I don't, but since Randi's boyfriend is back, they might want some space soon.

In other news... I got a circus gig! Not just BUST, which I actually pay to perform in, but a gig that pays me! On the 26th I'll be stilt walking, blowing bubbles, and playing with kids who are up for adoption to give them a good time and show them that people care... AND I'm getting paid to do it! Crazy! The contract says $128 for the hour and a half. If only you could book multiple shows per day, then you could really make circus pay. I guess it's an option...

Monday Monsters and Tuesday Teachings

Monday morning I got up as usual, made breakfast, got ready and started my day. I got on my bike and decided to try and pump up the back tire a bit, but with my crappy pump it only made the tire flatter. Disgruntled, I put my bike in the garage and went out and started my car. I headed out for groceries and to meet friends by the plaza... But there was one key thing I forgot: to put the dogs out.

I had been out for over an hour when I suddenly realized, the dogs were still inside. I rushed back to my car hoping I would get back before any damage had been done. When I pulled up, my host was already back. I walked in to see her on the stairs with a vacuum and I knew immediately the monsters had made a mess. They had gotten into my room, torn up and mostly eaten a bag of peanuts, and somehow broke open a bottle of gatorade in the living room.

She was very sweet and just asked me to remember to put them out next time. Oh, I will.

That night I finally decided on the music for my aerial fabric routine (Blinding by Florence and the Machine) and got some good feedback on where the choreography was going. After training, I headed over to Leslie and Bob's place for dinner and games. It was delicious as always. They really can cook something awesome with whatever is around the house. We ate and drank and made merry until almost everyone got sleepy and then James and I made merry some more with another beer and a game of Cribbage. I won, hard.

The next day, I started working for La Boca, entering data and running errands. I thought I would need to start this fairly early, so I hadn't intended to go to Open Studio; however, I realized that Open Studio was fairly early too, so I went and really solidified some good stuff for my routine. The job at La Boca was easy and took way less time than anticipated, but I made $20 for my two hours, so I was content.

A few days before, I had gone looking into Vipassana in Santa Fe and found that Tuesday nights there were 45 min meditations followed by a lecture, so I decided to take this evening and find out what it was all about. Despite leaving early, I was still a few minutes late due to google maps being stupid and me doubting myself. But, I got there and crept in quietly for the majority of the meditation. The lecture was good it was all about antidotes to the detrimental mind-states: desire, aversion, sloth/torpor, and doubt (there was another one, but I can't remember it right now!). Doubt was the last one and for the others, I kept thinking, "oh yeah, this is good, I will use this a lot because I get in this mind-state sometimes." When he talked about doubt, my mental jaw dropped, "Oh $#!^, doubt is how I live my life." And, the antidote to doubt? Investigating and discovering for oneself what is truly wholesome and unwholesome, and skillful and unskillful. Well, that's a pretty tall order for someone who is ALREADY DOUBTING! I wanted to ask him how we are supposed to know what is wholesome and unwholesome when we are already doubting so much, but I had a brief moment of clarity where I felt it would be okay and I would be able to clear my mind and trust myself and just do it. As the lecture ended though, I doubted that ability again. Sigh. I guess I get to meditate on this and on letting my true self show itself and being receptive to what it shows.

I was reminded of something that a very close friend/love of mine said to me, "Don't ever doubt yourself." I'm certainly not to the "ever" part yet, but I'm getting better every day.

Abiquiu Encore

Today was a magical day that involved an hour-long road trip up to Abiquiu. This year, however, I and one of my wonderful passengers had been to the jumping rocks before, so we had no trouble finding them.

The afternoon started with the requisite sunscreen and hydration for the events to come. Bob and James jumped off the high rocks right away, but Leslie and I waited for our sunscreen to soak in. When we got up there, one guy was trying to build up his nerve for the jump and decided it would be better if we all chanted his name. So we all started chanting, "Brian, Brian, Brian!" louder and faster, but as the peak came, he did not jump. And as the peak faded, he did not jump. I got a little bored and took the opportunity to jump myself when he backed away to sit down. Leslie took a little convincing the first time. I waited for her in the water, but got too cold (it's still snow melt you know!). I joined them at the top again just in time to see her jump. We then played in the water, ate snacks, took pictures and laughed. Leslie and I jumped in off a low rock to swim around and cool off and again, Brian was at the top trying to gather his courage. People were counting down, shouting his name, offering hims goods, etc. Finally I shouted, "I'll show you my boobs!" Everyone cheered. Other ladies in the water volunteered too. Finally Brian had the motivation he needed. He jumped and we tossed off our tops. Everyone was glad to see us. Brian thanked us because our kind act made everyone happy about his jump instead of mad that it took him so long. Leslie and I enjoyed some time swimming and sunning topless, but soon it was time to pack up and take a final dip to cool off before hiking back to the car.

We were all a little sleepy on the drive home, but we got back safely and uneventfully. At home Leslie and Bod cooked a killer dinner for us and we chowed down enjoying freshly cooked corn tortillas, scrambled eggs with veggies, tumeric rice and sweet potatoes. We collaborated to finish off a box of wine and enjoyed the evening as Bob played songs and we all helped him write new verses. Leslie's friend Sam joined us for some merriment, but soon after it was time for me to return to the big queen size bed in the AC house with internet to type this message, eat some ice cream, shower and go to bed.

It was a beautiful day with beautiful people. Only one of many to come.

The First Week of Camp

The first week of camp is coming to a close and things are going well.

Camp: We've figured out our groups and what type of acts we'll be doing for the show. I am in a group acrobatics act and I have a solo fabric act (scary!). The group act is the very first act of the show, we found out today. It open with two empty park benches. One woman walks on and sits down, alone in the rain. Then my acro partner and I walk on together, in love, under an umbrella and sit down on the other bench. Then another woman walks on and shares her umbrella with the first woman. The ensuing acrobatics are my partner and I fighting and eventually breaking up, and the other pair falling in love. This leaves the other pair together on their park bench under an umbrella and me alone on a park bench without an umbrella. Oh yes, and for the acro act I will actually be the BASE, not the flyer, which is kind of exciting and new, though I do love to fly (it's also awesome to support somebody in a cool move too). Just after this is a clown scene where a magic umbrella is created and sent into the air, which then causes a storm. The whole cast ends up huddling behind umbrellas (or for me under some newspaper that I find). Then I stand up and grab the magic umbrella which causes a phenomenal gust of wind that blows everyone else away but me at which point I close the umbrella and start my fabric act. Crazy! I'll be done with my acts in the first 20 min. of the show, which is kind of a bummer, but oh well.

Right now I'm trying to figure out the music for my fabric act. Here are some possibilities; if you have an opinion, please let me know:

Black - Pearl Jam

Superhero - Ani Difranco

Beautiful Dawn - The Wailin' Jennys

Hide and Seek - Imogen Heep

Carry On - Kristi Jo

Kinder - Copper Wimmin

I was going for something kind of sad and break-up-y, but also transformative. I mean, it is my last performance in this show so I don't really want to go out totally sad and pathetic, but I do want to have the sadness portrayed because it's there.

Living Situation: I'm still staying with a woman from camp in her very comfortable home. It's on the market so we have to be out with it all cleaned up from time to time, but it's not a big deal. Her dogs are great and I think they enjoy having me around for company during the day. She's also very generous and has given me free reign of the fridge and pantry for free.

Job: I just got a job with one of the teachers at the camp! I'll be working with her a couple days a week doing office stuff for her restaurant, so that should be great and cover most of my expenses while I'm here.

Friends: I just got off the phone with Michael after a good long conversation, which was very nice to have. I'm also still hanging out with the wonderful people my friend introduced me to when I got here and who let me stay with them the first couple nights. They are very fun, beautiful people. We're hoping to go to Lake Abiquiu tomorrow, but I have to figure out how to get to the right part of it first. Directions online tell you how to get to the boat ramp, which is unnecessary and gross for us. There are cliffs that I've been to that are great for jumping and swimming, so hopefully we can find those. Otherwise I might suggest we try going to Taos for the day to check out a Hanuman Temple and get a "prasad" brunch for free.

All in all things are going well. Tears still happen sometimes, but so do bike rides and fabric climbs and hot tubbing and baking, so, life goes on. Also, there is another woman in camp who just broke up with her partner so we're going to have a pi-tea-party together where we can just cry and talk it all out to someone who understands.

Well, now I'm going to try and bake some scones... Or go to a friend's for a movie... Either will be great.

Santa Fe Anew

Well, it looks like I've found myself back in beautiful Santa Fe, NM for BUST women's circus camp.

This year has been slightly more challenging despite having been once before. Finding a rideshare friend out was not easy, but I eventually found a Berkeley friend who came along and introduced me to her wonderful friend in Santa Fe.

The first night I went to the first BUST workshop and then I "slept" on a yoga mat and blanket on top of a brick floor. It did not help that this was the first time the breakup with Elliot really hit me. I spent till 1am on the phone with my sister and then got up around 5:30am and waited till 7:30am to be able to talk to my mom (California is an hour behind... or New Mexico is an hour in the future...). I seemed to have trouble not crying a lot.

Last night was much better, though. We went to another friend's house to make dinner together, play games, drink, and for those who could play music. I went home just sedated enough that sleeping on a twin size box spring in a sleeping bag with my friend in her sleeping bag next to me was amazing. Cozy, but nice to be near someone and softer than the ground.

During these first couple days, I had doubts about whether being in Santa Fe is right for me until... wait no, I'm still having them on occasion. I know that I would be sad wherever I was, but part of me still wants the comfort of my home and my family at this time. Another part of me just wants to run off on a crazy roadtrip alone and find myself. The other part of me wants to stay here, build friendships, get a job?, work through my shtuff and use that to support my performance of "transformation" - which is this year's theme. I feel very connected to the theme. I feel in the midst of a transformation myself. This is good in the sense that I am very emotionally involved in the work, but it is bad in that I have a very distinct interpretation of transformation in this moment.

Oh yes, and the prop/item chosen to be the symbol of transformation - an umbrella. Interesting I know. But at least that leaves fun possibilities for including some Rhianna.

Tonight, I am staying with a new friend from camp in her huge house that has AC and a hot tub. Score! Perhaps tomorrow will hold the joy of swimming at the pool with Avery and her son. We'll see.

For now, it's time to repeat some affirmations and words of encouragement and love, and to try and sleep.